Chapter 32: Playing games with Sam

I have played lots of games throughout my life, and the people I have played with have said many things about me. Some things are positive like “You’re one hell of a lucky bastard” while others are fairly negative “I’m gonna shove that card so far down your throat you’ll be shitting “Plow Under”s for weeks!” All in all, I enjoy playing games, regardless of whether the other player does. I have compiled a description of the things other people have noticed when playing games with me.

• I give advice, early and often. This advice is often what the person was going to do anyway. He then decides NOT to do it, because it must be some trick, and in the end wishes he had done it. He then blames me for devising some cruel trick to make him lose, while in reality I was basically just saying what I’d do in his situation.
• I have lady luck on my side. When rolling a dice, I invariably get the number I need, while you invariably get the number you least want. This applies to D6 all the way to D20, and does not disappear when you change the dice, throw them down the stairs, or at me. Also, in pool the balls seem to have magnetic attractions to the holes ONLY when I am shooting, and repulsions when you are.
• I concentrate. I focus on the game, and give it my attention. When other people are in the room I have been accused of plotting with them to distract my opponent, since he is distracted but I am not.
• Somehow the deck/army/strategy works better for me than when it does for you. If I beat you ten times with my strategy, then we flip just for fun, I still somehow beat you.
• I know rules you haven’t heard of. I can verify some, others I can’t seem to find the page. You claim I made them up, but in reality I just knew a previous rule that would help me out, and if you knew the rules as well, you could call me on the same thing.
• I’m a selfish, greedy, unlawful, unscrupulous pig, mainly because I took your unguarded city when you sent your army to take mine.
• My units do things yours can’t, like build in half the time, move twice as fast, and they invariably have smarter AI than yours do.
• In any argument, Sam will never admit to his being wrong, regardless of whether he is or not. He will adamantly portray himself as being right until he realizes he is wrong, only then will the scoundrel give in.

All this has caused certain conditions to arise when people play games with me. I have listed them in the a recognizable form.

10 Commandments of playing Games with Sam

1. Thou shall not let Sam win, regardless of price.
2. If Sam should win, then claim he didn’t win and that you were warming up, best of 3 (or 5, or 7, or 9, etc.).
3. It is nobler to jump in the lava than to let Sam kill you and gain a frag.
4. If a dice seems to consistently side with Sam, throwing the dice through the air at him will rid the object of its inherent evil.
5. If Sam doesn’t like the idea of best of 3, claim he doesn’t know what he’s talking about and change the subject.
6. If Sam has some slight lead for no particular reason, he’s cheating. Don’t forget to remind him of it.
7. If Sam suggests we institute a new rule that will stop some abuse of the other rules, call him a cheater and claim he is just helping his team. (don’t be swayed if he tries to tell you that you’re on his team, he’s only playing with your mind, he’s tricky like that)
8. Sam is always wrong when it comes to arguing, regardless of how much he knows about it. A corollary is that you always know more than Sam does, he only tries to trick you.
9. If it is a multiplayer game, the first part of the game is always everyone versus Sam, and then the game can progress normally.
10. It is always important to act like you don’t care when you play a game, so that his concentration will look like he’s trying waaaaaay to hard. Afterwards you can say to him “Jeeze man, can’t you play a game for fun?” This will set him up for his crushing defeat the next time you meet on the battlefield.