Category: Chapters

One very interesting thing I noticed about being taped and then seeing the tape later in the day is that you can’t forget yet. You still remember what you were thinking when you see yourself doing something. I remember what I was thinking when I took a leak on the fire, but on the video, you don’t see what I was thinking.

In documenting on video a long activity I participated today, and watching it afterward, I was fortunate enough to see an hour and a half of myself, candid on camera, and I thought I’d share some of my impressions.

I am a ham. When I knew I was being watched I acted a little wilder, when the camera was on me, I was a little more likely to do things then when it wasn’t.

I am stubborn. At one point I insisted that regardless of how we did something, that I was fine with it as long as it wasn’t Branden’s way of doing it.

I am bossy. I grabbed things out of other people’s hands all the time, told people what to do, choose procedures for the entire group, and argued when others decided that they had a better idea.

I am slightly conceited. It took watching me work with others on the video for me to realize how little I actually was doing, and how much of the work I was making others do. At the time it didn’t occur to me, because “obviously the work I was doing was important.”

In realizing all this, everything here is based around an inflated opinion of myself, my views, and other peoples views of me. I guess on the plus side is that I won’t deal with depression a hell of a lot in my life, but other people may not view my healthy self-esteem as positively as I may

Today I had an interesting comment made about me. I was making some French toast with one of my friends, and I was wondering how much of this to put in, how much of that, etc. She turned to me, exasperated, and exclaimed “Sam, you are such an engineer!!” That comment would warrant shouts of pride from some people, and outright weeping from others. I was being anal, I wanted to know how much milk to put in, if we should measure the cinnamon, and she completely didn’t care. She told me to pour, and that she’d tell me when to stop. So I did, and she did. It was simple, no measuring cups, no unneeded steps involved, just pour, then stop when it feels right. It rather surprised me how much aversion I had to her simple steps. I wanted to know: 1/2 milk 1/2 eggs? Or was it 3/4 eggs and 1/4 milk? What the ratio damnit! It’s all part of a bigger picture, part of something inherent in my being. It’s the fact that I’m a guy. I want the damn numbers, give me a number, and tell me what you think and why you think it, none of this “feeling” crap. Another girl at a different time told me that she thinks I would be a waste if I didn’t take art classes, or something non-technical, she didn’t want me to end up as “just another sad engineer.” What’s wrong with being an engineer? Because numbers are only part of life, they are the non-living part, and it scares me greatly that I’m not used to living without them.

In Real Life, a small band of the al-Queda terrorist network, a terrorist group operating outside the law, takes it upon themselves to rid the world of the scourge of the United States. They fly a surprise attack against the United State’s primary symbol of its economic power, and destroy the World Trade Center. In “Operation Enduring Freedom”, the United States, angry at the loss of its World Trade Center, initiates a massive campaign against the al-Queda terrorist network, destroying their main base of operations.

In Star Wars, a small band of the Rebel Alliance, a terrorist group operating outside the law, takes it upon themselves to rid the universe of the scourge of the Empire. They fly a surprise attack against the Empire’s primary symbol of its war power, and destroy the Death Star. In “The Empire Strikes Back”, the Empire, angry at the loss of its Death Star, initiates a massive campaign against the Rebel Alliance, destroying their main base of operations. In “Return of the Jedi”, the Rebel Alliance retaliates to destroy the Empire’s last power center, and along with it, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader. Thus a new age is ushered in, with the galaxy no longer in the grips of the Empire, but returning to the teachings of the Jedi.

Logically, in “Return of the Muslims”, the al-Queda terrorist network retaliates to destroy the United State’s last power center, and along with it, President Bush and Colin Powell. Thus a new age is ushered in, with the world no longer in the grips of the United States, but returning to the teachings of the Muslims.

Added later:

This has been by far my most controversial chapter, with many people taking both sides on whether something like this should even be written. My purpose with the piece was not to offend, but rather to force a different perspective at a time where it seemed there was a halt on independent thought.

I was born December 16th, 1982, in Carlsbad, New Mexico. The town is in the desert, not to far from the famous Carlsbad Caverns. Around late 1988, after the birth of my two little brothers, we moved to Piqua, Ohio, a small farming town outside of Dayton. About two and a half years later we moved to a huge house in the old part of Galveston, Texas. It wasn’t a great neighborhood, but it was a really cool house!! We spent about three and a half years in Texas, half of which we lived in a nice neighborhood a little farther north in Dickinson, Texas.

At the age of 11, in early summer 1993, we made the move to Nome, a town of 3500 people out in the middle of nowhere in northern Alaska. We lived in a small apartment complex called the Aqipik Apartments (why I remember that, don’t ask). We stayed for the summer, and in the winter, after a month in Hawaii to thaw, we moved to Monroeville, Pennsylvania, a short drive to the east of Pittsburgh. The following summer it was back to Nome, this time with a somewhat better apartment, rented from a guy named Nacho. That winter we stayed in Anchorage, in a little shit hole of an apartment with Russian landlords who didn’t know how to tell me in English to turn my classical music off. That was a long, cold, winter, my first and only in Alaska. That spring we moved to Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, across the bay from Halifax. We were supposed to stay for a decade, so Ed and I started public school. We ended up staying until August 31st, 1997, when simultaneously our house lease and Visa’s expired, so we had to get out of the country fairly quick. We moved to a suburb in the north hills of Pittsburgh, a lovely place called Hampton. We stayed there for 4 years, just long enough for me to finish High School, after which my family moved to Salt Lake City, Utah. I visited them for a while over the summer, then I came back to Pittsburgh, before finally coming to rest in Cleveland, Ohio, where I now go to school. My entire life I have been on the move, where will I I go next??

There comes a point where the events of life force one to consider what one believes. Many people seem to simply “inherit” their beliefs and value systems, giving no more thought to it than that their parents were that way, no more explanation than “that’s how I was taught”. Other people seem to pick a set of beliefs, almost randomly, according to what “feels right”. Still others seem to pick beliefs as if they were just a facet of their personalities, something to attract people. Finally, there are those who never really address the issue, who are standing right next to those who haven’t decided.Most people when questioned or challenged become rather fervent about their belief rather quickly if they weren’t already, sometimes wandering into blatant hypocrisy. Somehow, while people talk freely and civilly about politics, when the discussion wanders into what one believes about life in general, people clam up. They become unwilling to discuss their ideas beyond giving you a general sense of what they are. Having chosen a solution to the ultimate problem, to the meaning and point of life, they bear down. Very few are willing to see the whole thing as unsolved, and some are so fervent as to die ( or kill ) for their belief.

Beliefs are irrational. They undermine one of the most powerful of our abilities, our ability to reason. When the problem becomes too hard, and you can’t find a solution, you pick one that looks right, and you believe that it’s the right solution. It may not be, but if someone challenges you on it, you disagree. You never say “I don’t know.” Faith and natural belief are the remnants of people’s inability to answer the ultimate question. In most cases, the human drive to find meaning, nearly as fundamental as hunger to an intelligent species, is satisfied by this arbitrary choice.

I like to think that I am in the last category of people, and that I never intend to decide what I believe in. Deciding what you believe in substantially damages your ability to learn about the world. Science has already discarded several possible sets of beliefs held previous to its discoveries, like the idea that storms are god- wars and the idea of the earth-centered solar system. Science embodies the logical reversal: if we cannot directly understand what is true, let us eliminate what is not true. Perhaps all that I will ever accomplish is to eliminate a few more choices. Perhaps I will find the answer, and the answer will be that we are no more than automatons following a course laid out from the beginning of the universe by the laws of interactions of forces. As eventually anti-climactic as this may be, I cannot be satisfied with any other existence without having tried.

*** This piece was heavily inspired by something I read online, and might borrow more language than I had intended. I’d share the link, but it appears lost to the sands of time. ***