Warning: not for the faint of heart.
I walked into the bathroom at my office and was preparing to take care of business at the urinal when I heard two men walk in. They were chatting about something, but ceased conversation to head into two stalls next to each other.
I finished up, and headed to the sink to wash my hands. One of the men solemnly announced to the other:
So, I just want to apologize for what’s about to happen, and I hope you can still respect me as a person afterwards.
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds. Then it happened.
At first I thought a bomb had gone off. It was the sound of dynamite exploding inside of a cement mixer made of titanium. The sound a gallon can of beans makes when left in a fire until the pressure builds up to a point where the lid is blown off and the can is launched 50 feet into the air. A sound not unlike the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s semi-liquefied remains violently impacting the street of New York City. I saw the beginning of the universe and the death of all creation.
And all the while, over the incredible cacophony of gastrointestinal ejection, I heard the other man screaming:
OH GOD NO! OH GOD! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DUDE THAT’S … OH GOD STOP!! MAKE IT STOP!!
I left quickly.