Chapter 118: Things to avoid when naming your pet

The following is a non-exhaustive list of names and concepts you should avoid when naming your pet. The reasons to avoid them are many, but should be easily spotted by reading the selected Real Life Simulations of their usage below.

1. Something that sounds like a child’s description of medical symptoms or a body part. For example: Nuggles, Boompers, Babykins, Binky, Princypoo, Snuffles, Buttons, Tickles.

Real Life Simulation: “Yes, your honor, myself and Officer Richards arrived no later than 12:30am, and we could already hear Poopers barking from outside before we knocked on the door.”

2. The complete name of a historical or cultural figure. For example: David Hasselhoff, Aristotle, Marlon Brando, Peewee Herman, Oscar Wilde, Engelbert Humperdink.

Real Life Simulation: “Dan Quayle, come here right now! Bad dog! Bad dog! Come back in the house! No, do NOT shit on the neighbors yard! Dan Quayle come here this instant!”

3. The common name of the generic animal. For example: Cat, Snake, Rabbit, Fish, Bird.

Real Life Simulation: “Missing: Black Labrador retriever. 2 years old. Responds to name ‘Dog’.”

4. A word that has never before been used as a proper noun. For example: Prudence, Machismo, Charisma, Disparity, Prevalence.

Real Life Simulation: Upon discovering a woman looking behind a bush in your front yard, “Um, excuse me ma’am, can I help you?” “Oh no, I’m just looking for my Sanity. She’s run off again.”

5. Any combination of a title indicating status with a nonsensical last name. For example: Princess Buttersnaps, Lord Fauntelroy, Admiral Fuzzy, Mister Peeps, Ghengis Khat.

Real Life Simulation: “Hey, Steve, I know you’re working on the proposal, but could you do me a favor? I’ll be out of town tomorrow, and I need someone to come over and feed Colonel Snickers.”

Alternatively, this list could be used as a blueprint for a great pet name. Of course, by great I mean one that will make me hate you and everything you stand for. Knowledge is power.