Chapter 109: Coffee’s for Examiners

In this scene, Vinnie is confronting the examiners of a tough US Patent Office art unit (Mike, Sam and Arpan) while their unsympathetic supervisor looks on.

Vinnie: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about…(puts out his cigarette)…bitching about that rejection you shot, some son of a bitch makes a good point, somebody doesn’t agree with your interpretation, some broad you’re trying to screw and so forth. Let’s talk about something important. Are they all here?

Supervisor: All but one.

Vinnie: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important! (to Mike) Put … that coffee … down. Coffee’s for examiners only. (Mike scoffs) Do you think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here from upstairs. I’m here from Doll and Harvey. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Mike?

Mike: Yeah.

Vinnie: You call yourself an examiner, you son of a bitch?

Sam: I don’t have to listen to this shit.

Vinnie: You certainly don’t pal. ‘Cause the good news is — you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one biweek to regain your jobs. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this quarters production contest. As you all know, first prize is a pair of tickets to a National’s game. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a trip to Jimmy Johns. Third prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got references. Use the references to reject them! You can’t use the references you’re given, you can’t reject shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out!!!

Mike: The references are weak.

Vinnie: ‘The references are weak.’ Fucking references are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business fifteen years.

Sam: What’s your name?

Vinnie: FUCK YOU, that’s my name!! You know why, Mister? ‘Cause you rode the metro to get here today, I drove a eighty thousand dollar SUV. That’s my name!! (to Mike) And your name is “you’re wanting.” You can’t play in a man’s game? You can’t reject them? (at a near whisper) You go home and tell your wife your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to file a Request for Continued Examination! You hear me, you fucking faggots?

(Vinnie flips over a blackboard which has a set of letters on it: AGF)

Vinnie: A-G-F. A-always, G-go, F-final. Always go final! Always go final!! You got the amendments comin’ in; you think they sent them in ’cause they were bored? Applicant doesn’t submit an amendment unless it’s worth money to him. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Sam) What’s the problem pal? You. Sam.

Sam: You’re such a hero, you’re so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?

(Vinnie sits and takes off his gold watch)

Vinnie: You see this watch? You see this watch?

Sam: Yeah.

Vinnie: That watch cost more than your car. I made 273 percent of production last year. How much you make? (Sam looks away) You see, pal, that’s who I am. And you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good person? Fuck you — go home and play with your dog!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Reject!! (to Arpan) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this — how can you take the abuse you get on an appeal?! You don’t like it — leave. I can go out there tonight with the references you got, get myself fifteen RCE’s! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-G-F!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to get RCE’s?

(He pulls something out of his briefcase)

Vinnie: It takes brass balls to get RCE’s.

(He’s holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate “area”–he puts them away after a pause)

Vinnie: Go and do likewise, gents. The RCE’s are out there, you pick ’em up, they’re yours. You don’t–I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out and reject, reject, they’re yours. If not you’re going to be shinning my shoes. And you know what you’ll be saying, bunch of losers sitting around in a bar. (in a mocking weak voice) “Oh yeah, I used to be an examiner, it’s a tough racket.” (he takes out large stack of green folders tied together with string from his briefcase) These are the new cases. These are the Hitachi cases. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for examiners.

Vinnie: I’d wish you good luck but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. (to Sam as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Doll and Harvey asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.

(He stares at Sam for a second, and then picking up his briefcase, walks out the door)